You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
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ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
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Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth