Just took my morning after pill in the library
where are you?
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face