The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Apple has a Lot to Explain to iPhone X Customers
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
People Asked The Internet Questions About their Private Parts And The Results Are Hilarious
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.