hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
handjob tips. give me some.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
