I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
3 2 1 whiskey
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
