i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
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