just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Randomize
