i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
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