i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Randomize
