The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
its liver damage thursday
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
