zippers are such a cool invention
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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