he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
