Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
