Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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