is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
