duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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