My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
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