I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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