Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
