sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
