watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
