im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
