Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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