youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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