ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
