just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
