After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
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So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
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She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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