I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
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