He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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