So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Randomize
