I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
