Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
