I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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