gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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