OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Tell her she can't have a vagina
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
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