just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
