Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
His hands were made for my vagina.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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