Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
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