You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
