How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
