They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
