I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Randomize
