My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Randomize
