I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
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I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
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I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
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