There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
