i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
