The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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