So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
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