Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
