I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
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