My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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