Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Randomize
