I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
