I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
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